. . . but sometimes you get what you need. (the Rolling Stones)
Sometimes I do what I want, other times; I do what I must. (Gladitor)
I have been thinking along these lines a lot over the past few months, and some of it was brought to a head today in a way that would probably be unusual for most people.
As we all do in many areas of life, I have spent the majority of my life in one particular area doing what I must, rather than what I want. And it is not an area where what I want to do is inherently bad (in someways I think it would be quite positive), but I have had to bend my personal will to that of the various entities and people to which I am held responsible. In many ways, this has been a very good growth process for me throughout the years, sometimes a growth process and/or amusement for others, but overall a sanctifying experience for me.
It seems as though whenever I begin to get to point where it can move to situation in which I am free to do what I want, it is either derailed or turns out to not quite be as conducive of a situation as I had thought it was, which then shifts it back into that growth process of bending my will to that of others. What can be frustrating about this is that it does hinder my ability to accurately represent myself (which I very much try to do and has probably caused me to miss a few ministry opportunities since I want to show who I am rather than put up a front, since everyone does that, so most people front extensively).
And then, a a few months into the sanctification process, we came to a ministry that not only allowed but encouraged being comfortable with who you are. As this came more and more together, I slowly grew into doing this thing in a way that reflected who I am, though it is by nature a slow process, as most similar things are.
But then that ministry fell apart. Being my stubborn self, I tried to hold on to what should have been there and continued to seek these ideals, never really admitting that it was gone . As my life was transitioning away from this, I had a few opportunities and necessities of doing what was needed rather than wanted, but I refused to admit that the dream had faded, so I complied in only the most limited sense of the term. There was also a lot going on at that exact moment in time, so I think there was much more grace extended toward me by various people than may have normally occurred (though the lasting effect worked more toward my preference in the long run).
So then moving forward again a few months, there has been progression in most areas toward restoring the parts of our lives had been derailed, but there were still some areas where I was stubbornly holding on to the dream. In order to move back to where we were before, my wife and I have been making some decisions we have not necessarily preferred, but they are the best options for the time being. Temporary discomfort/misery is worth the trade-off of a more comfortable/less miserable/more beneficial future. One of these choices was in this realm.
I have seem that I am a unique person. Things that affect and reflect me do not necessarily do the same things for the average person. But I also tend to think through things (particularly unusual things) more thoroughly than average.
I have a good friend in atypical ministry who also thinks through things, much more thoroughly than I do. He made a related decision a few years ago and has unfortunately had to continue much longer than preferred. Thinking about his choice tonight made me thinking about mine. I had not made mine with the same initial intention as he had, though I believe the pieces were there in such a way that it lead me to make the choice that I did, just not putting them together in the finished product until later.
Though it may seem petty, foolish, unattainable, trite, selfish, pointless to many, I have long had an atypical desire, especially for someone in my chosen life-path, even more particular in the fact that I hold it so strongly. Part of it stems from a personal preference, part of it stems from a desire to help some who are very much in need in a way not often seen by someone in my position/field, part of it from a desire to best reflect myself in how I am presented to others, and part of it is simply a desire to do these things while I have the ability. Since I was very young, I have wanted to grow my hair out to the point that I could donate it to make a wig for a kids dealing with cancer. I have not yet been able to do this, largely as a result of schools/jobs/etc not allowing me to get my hair to that point.
This last ministry was heading in that direction, but it did fail. The ministry situation which I hope to help develop would allow, embrace, and probably enable this, but that will take a while to get to the point where I am able to fully focus my attentions there (provided it happens at all). In the meantime, the work situation (which I love) is moving in a direction in which it would not be conducive to do so (yes, it was mentioned to me, and although it is not what I prefer, I do agree with the reason and the probable necessity).
This time, instead of barely skirting the boundaries of acceptability, I decided to go for what amounts to an incredibly drastic step for me, comparable to most guys shaving their head. Granted, it still reflects me while taking these factors into account, it is still not fully me. The amazing thing was that whenever I have done things like this in the past, I had felt like I was betraying not only myself, but some of my core beliefs (all people need to be accepted as they are by churches/ministries; use what God has given you to bless those in need; God uses us for who we are; be creative in blessing/ministering to others; diversity in non-moral issues should be encouraged; etc).
This time, it felt like the right thing to do. I was getting a bit fed up with the way my hair was, largely because I kept getting it almost to the point that it would begin to head toward the desired length before having to start all over again. This time, it will be quite a process.
I had earlier mentioned my friend and his interesting commitment. After getting burned again by a church, he decided that he would not cut his hair until he was comfortable and accepted in a church again. It has been almost 5 years, and though he does ministry and is highly involved in his church, he has not gotten a haircut (I doubt anyone reading this knows this friend, but is was a commitment just between him and God that he shared with me as he was helping me work through some of the ramifications of this past summer).
I have decided that I will be making a similar, though opposite, commitment. Once I am comfortable in a ministry again, whether voluntary or paid; typical or atypical, I will be keeping my hair short. (Short for me, anyway; I will likely only get a couple trims a year still). Once I get in this ministry situation, I will begin to make a solid effort to grow my hair out again, like the Nazarites or various warrior cultures of old. By the time it gets to an appropriate length, enough time should have passed to be fully ingrained in that ministry.